Shaadi ka 'Boy', and all that!

My mom woke me up that morning and while I was peacefully eating my breakfast and smiling over the gossip columns in the BT, she posed the most controversial question to me, ‘Amu, what kind of a boy do you want to marry?’ I decided to ignore her and I continued reading how Kat and Ranbir were secretly engaged to get married. I thought she will leave me alone after realizing my innate unresponsiveness. But alas, that was not to happen!

She banged my glass of milk and sat down opposite me. ‘Amruta’, she said. I knew it was serious business when I heard her saying my full name. No one ever calls me by my full name until I have done something horrendously wrong. I stole a glance at her and almost fell off my chair when I saw my entire family standing in front of me. My grandparents were squinting at me through their glasses. My grandmom looked as if she was looking at a lost puppy in the middle of a desert, desperately searching for something. My brother just stood behind my mom, grinning, totally having fun at my expense. My dad was at the opposite end of the table and was not reading the Economic Times. This was serious shit!

I put down BT on the table and defensively crossed my arms, ‘What is this mob mentality? You guys are freaking me out!’ I said my voice going up a few notches with utmost disdain.

‘Beta, leave as this BT-Shitty now. You have turned 25. My friend Jaya was asking me yesterday only, which hall I have booked for your marriage. I was only so embarrassed to tell her there was no boy!’ my mom said tearfully.

I got up from my seat, ‘Mom, I am not going to marry in a hall! That would be my worst nightmare. And why is Jaya aunty so worried about me? Tell her I saw Chintu smoking at the corner-wala shop.’ My mom was shocked at the news but decided to let it go as my marriage was the single most important topic in her life!

‘Beta, forget Jaya aunty. Let me find a nice guy for you. You tell me what you want in the boy. I will take notes. You want tall, dark and handsome or medium-height, fair and smart? I think he should be a banker.’ My grandparents and my dad continued to add ‘groom product details’ to the list, while I started biting my nails in exasperation. My brother added that my handsome (or not) Dulha should be a master of Clash of Clans. WHATEVER.

After about twenty minutes of listing down product details, dimensions and etc., everyone looked at me waiting for my inputs. I guess I had no choice. I closed my eyes, trying meditation tactics to clear my head and also to control my urge to bolt through the door and run away. I was in my highly meditative stage for eight full minutes. When I opened my eyes, my entire family was still staring at me, albeit a little hesitantly. My brother ducked into the kitchen to control his laughter and I threw him one of my dirtiest looks.

‘Guys, I know what kind of ‘boy’ I want in life’, emphasizing on the word ‘boy’. Everyone hushed up and paid full attention to what I was saying. Such attention that only a cricket match against Pakistan really deserves. Even my brother sobered up.

‘I want a guy who is as confused as me. Who is as flummoxed while answering this dreaded question. Who like me, hasn’t figured out what he wants in life. A guy who doesn’t have product dimensions in his head when he is thinking about the girl he wants to spend his life with. Most importantly, who laughs at all these insecurities and wants to go forward knowing that it is okay to not have figured out everything in life.’

Everyone stared at me blankly, as if I had been speaking in Parseltongue (if that’s a language). Only my grandfather was smiling at me. He put his hand over my head and said, ‘You are on the right path Amu. Don’t you worry.’