Finding my wood drake

I first read this poetry by Wendell Berry a couple of years ago, but today I decided to revisit his words

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief. I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting with their light. For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

As night drew, I sat at my bedside window, hunched over with my head resting on my arms. I gazed out of the window to look for my wood drake but all I heard was honking cars and barking dogs. A jet was ready to take off at the nearby domestic airport and would make a tremendous swooshing sound over my head. I glanced at the skies to check if I could be swamped in starlight, but I had no such luck. Ominous looking black clouds stared back at me and refused to budge, not even offering me a peek at the starry sky which I knew was there, hiding from our ‘world’.

It was one of those nights, a night of contemplation, a night of broken promises and fallen dreams, a night of mulling over regrets and feeling the deep anxiety over everything. Do we ever really have the time to think about anything other than our everyday lives? I sleep every night worrying about the hundred tasks to be done on the work front, if that isn’t enough; there are a million other worries that also have to be addressed. In this race against time, that we have created ourselves, I feel we have lost the simplicity that life has to offer.

A flashing memory reminds me of my childhood evenings, when a pandemonium of parrots used to grace our balcony. Chattering with each other excitedly, they always seemed to sit together and enjoy the sunset over light humor and deep bonding. As a child, I would gaze at them in wonder and marvel at their beauty, make a pact in my mind to watch the sunset everyday with my friends when I was all grown up. I believe I have disappointed the child in me a million times.

I gaze out again, desperately searching for my wood drake. I wanted to be taken back in time when my mind was uncluttered. It was 11 PM and time for bed; I knew I had to reply to a few emails and whatsapp messages before I dozed off. I didn’t want to miss my morning gym session either, but what the hell!

I picked up my buzzing phone from the rack beside me. Without bothering to read the messages or the emails, I switched it off. The persistent buzzing of the phone died down and for a moment there was silence, only to be broken by an occasional honk.

I got up from the window and went to the living room and picked up my landline handset. I wanted to call my friend, but there was no way I could remember his number. I cursed myself for being so dependent on my mobile. I racked my brains and faintly remembered his landline number. I decided to give it a try, hoping that I don’t end up waking his entire family. I dialed with unease and the phone started ringing, the usual ‘tiriring tiriring’. Someone picked up after the fourth ring, a sleepy voice said hello. I instantly knew it was him and heaved a sigh of relief.

‘It’s me’, I said.

‘Amruta’, he said, not really asking. There was a moment of silence after which I continued,

‘Can you pick me up in 5?’

‘Yes’ came the reply, no questions asked.

‘I will wait downstairs at the gate. Get the bike, ditch the car. I need the wind in my hair.’

‘All right’ he said and we hung up.

I pulled my sweater over my head, Mumbai winters weren’t much, but I enjoyed wearing my sweater. I ran down the stairs two at a time, I didn’t carry my phone or my wallet. I had some money tucked in my jeans pocket. Soon enough, I heard the whir of the bike and saw him turn the corner. It was as if we had gone back years. We didn’t say much, except look at each other for a few seconds. I got on the bike and we started off.

‘Where to?’ he asked.

‘I need to find my wood drake’ I said in his ear.

He changed gears and we hit the western highway in no time. We both knew where we were going and there was a comfortable silence between us. As I had wished, the wind was blowing through my hair and my eyes were watering. But I didn’t mind.

The drive took over two hours and the temperature dipped considerably as our altitude increased. We were near the town of Lonavala and nearing our favorite spot. We had visited this place before, when things were different. When we reached the base of one of the peaks, I saw that the stream which I had loved so much was still running strong and the gargling of the water made me smile. After crossing through some trees, we came to an opening which was big enough to sit a hundred people. We were surrounded by the trees and the mountains and a really starry night sky over our heads.

We settled down on the grass and gazed at the sky. I shivered a little in the cold and we huddled together to keep ourselves warm. It was 3 AM and our surroundings were very quiet.

He finally asked me how I had been and a flood gate of emotions opened up within me. We spoke for hours. I remembered how simple it was and had been before. We didn’t realize as the first rays of the sun pierced the night sky; the sky just a tiny bit orange and pink. We were immediately surrounded by a cackle of birds and insects. I could see so many of them flying out of their nests, starting their morning activities, without a worry.

I sighed as I felt my eyes moisten. They weren’t tears of sadness, but of satisfaction. The satisfaction of touching that part of me which had been lost in the hurdles of life. We watched the sunrise together and he held my hand. There was nothing more beautiful than to feel the warmth of the world. I promised myself to keep the peace alive in me always as ‘I rested in the grace of the world, free’.